Maintaining The Marital Mystery:Trailer Edition

We women need a bit of space and privacy to tend to things that men have no need (or wish) to know about.  You know what I’m talking about - it involves body hair, wax, tweezers, depilatories, razors, dyes, rinses, masks, exfoliation and usually a cruel and ruthless magnifying mirror.

We also need time in which to deploy these things.  And space.  Did I mention space already? And privacy?

Somehow I neglected to pack the magnifying mirror and kept forgetting to buy a new one.  But there is a mirror in our tiny bathroom and even if the light is harsh it’s good enough to put on some eyebrows and cover up the spots which is all I seem to have time for these days anyway.

When I stabbed not only Dan but myself with my toenails one night I realized I’d probably let things go a bit.  My legs and feet looked like a hobbit’s, (my armpits were apparently quite fashionable now), my skin was positively scaley.  Enough was enough. I decided it was time to Make A Bit Of An Effort. I bought a 10x magnifying mirror.

That was a mistake.  It turns out the bathroom light was actually quite forgiving.  A whole army of chin hairs had massed on the southern border of my face.  Now, a girlfriend would have kindly pointed those out to me, along with the eyebrows which definitely needed more than a few swipes of a pencil.  Then there was the veritable Groucho upper lip I’d been sporting for God knows how long.  And nose hair?  I now have to add that to the list?  Where does all this hair come from?  And my pores!  Clogged and disgusting.

Dan has been married to me long enough to know that when shrieks emanate from the bathroom there are only two appropriate responses after ascertaining there’s no blood involved: a cup of tea (if it’s before noon) or a glass of wine (define ‘noon’).

I have now begun the process of scraping, sanding, waxing, filing, plucking, squeezing, masking, exfoliating and polishing.  None of this can be done in private when you share a tiny bathroom with walls made of what is essentially expensive cardboard and a door that needs to be open if you need elbow room for the above tasks.

So, how do you keep that marital mystery going in a 250 sq ft trailer?  You don’t. The best you can hope for is that you both develop extremely selective hearing and an ability to instantly erase disturbing images from your memory.  And then have another glass of wine.